Ally Moms

We are a group of moms who have come together because we have a transgender child. We live all across the United States, Canada, and now Australia. Our children are different ages and at different stages along their journeys. Some are just beginning to transition, some are living authentically as adults already. We come from different backgrounds and none of us have not actually met (yet). What we have in common is an unconditional LOVE for our children. We are allies to the transgender community.

TALK TO AN ALLY MOM: Are you a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?

Ally Moms are here for you. Many of you out there do not have the support or affirmation you so richly deserve. As Ally Moms, we have lots of love and understanding to go around.  Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello”? It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two.

map july 2016

 

Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello?” It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two. We will not judge. FYI… Ally Dads, Coming Soon!

Do you parent, care for, or love a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?

Ally Moms is here for you, too. No matter where you are on your journey, Ally Moms can provide an empathic ear, share resources, offer camaraderie and mentorship, and community for parents and caregivers who may be experiencing shock, anxiety, isolation, confusion, or a host of other emotions. Whether you are looking for guidance from a parent who is further along on the journey, trying to make sense of your new reality, or seeking to connect with someone who “gets it,” Ally Moms is a phone call or a text away.

VOLUNTEER TO BE AN ALLY MOM: If you are the mother of a transgender child of any age, you may be eligible to join our dynamic group of moms. For an application, click here. If the link is not working on your computer, email Janna Barkin at jannabarkinyoga@gmail.com for an application.

Here are the guidelines for reaching out to an Ally Mom:

If you are experiencing a true emergency, please CALL 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. The Trevor Project is also a great resource for anyone contemplating suicide or just needing some assistance and guidance regarding gender identity related issues: 866-488-7386. The Transgender Crisis Hotline in the U.S. 877-565-8860 or in Canada 877-330-6366 is another resource. This hotline is staffed by Trans* individuals. 

Text one of us before calling; identify who you are and use the phrase “Ally Mom” so we know the nature of the call. Indicate if you prefer to text or would like a voice call.

You will get a text or call back. Here is the link to the Ally Moms list.

If you don’t get a call back within the hour, feel free to try another Ally Mom. You might have called while we are working or on a call with someone else. As a courtesy, please let the first Mom know that you’ve connected with someone else so they can delete the request.

Remember, we are not therapists, medical doctors or trained crisis counselors. We are moms who are allies. We are opening our hearts to be there when we can when your own mom can not or is not there for whatever reason. Keep in mind that we are not always able to take your call or may have limited time on the phone. We are trying to help as many as possible and cannot always take your call immediately.

The Ally Moms are unable to provide financial assistance or transportation. Please do not even ask. If you are in need of financial support for any reason we recommend your local social services agency, a family member, your clergy, etc. These other resources may be able to steer you in the right direction. Medicaid may be available to you.

Did your child just come out to you? Here is a handy guide that will help you through the initial process as you embark on your journey. Parent Guide

For some Transgender 101, here is a great article recently published.

We were mentioned in Yahoo News also.

284 thoughts on “Ally Moms

  1. Pingback: Roz’s Story: (A Mother’s) Unconditional Love | Affirmed Mom

  2. Pingback: (Trans)formation | Call Him Hunter

  3. Hi again. It’s been almost a year since I last communicated with you. Happy New Year everyone! I’m the dad of a trans man in Oregon. I have been wanting for some time now to open a safe house for trans youth in Oregon. I’m starting to get the ball rolling on the idea. Meeting with non-profit organizers, openin up a gofundme, and doing research on both non-profits and group homes. I think it is going to be a bit of a bumpy road ahead, but I am very driven to figure it all out. My son Corbin and his struggles and triumphs changed my life. He has opened my eyes to the issues of trans youth and all the joy and danger involved in being your true self.
    Corbin is doing well. Studying at university of Oregon and living quite well as a well recieved young man. I’m very proud of him.
    I’m writing because I was hoping there might be people who read your blog who might know of resources or information that can help me figure out my safe house. Please feel free to message me through my facebook, or through my email: charlesc@osfashland.org

    Still a very big fan of the site here, and in awe of the work you are doing.

    Thank you,

    Charles

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So glad you guys are here ❤️ I’m a mom of a trans child and so happy to see the support. Without it you feel as though the world has abandoned you. I would love to be a part and talk to other parents in the same situation.
    Melissa

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  5. I would like to join you. Can you email me so I can ask for more info? My email is listed here in order to post. I’m very excited to see you! 🙂

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  6. This is an amazing thing that you are all doing… I’m a 21 year old nonbinary person living in Italy, I was wondering if you knew of any other ally parents groups such as this one in Europe, or if I could maybe send an email or something? I just want to talk to a parent of a nonbinary child to see what I can do to make my mom understand, and if she wanted to contact someone maybe. I don’t know. We don’t have that many resources in Europe, especially in italy…

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    • Hi. I don’t know of any groups in Italy. However, you can email me or we can chat via this blog. My email is roz@standwithtrans.org. I can then connect you with other parents of non-binary individuals which may be helpful. I have a couple of moms in mind who may be very informative.

      Let me know how I can help.
      Roz

      Like

  7. Hello, I’m a 14 year old transmale who has not begun any stages of transitioning, except for coming out. I came out to my mom a year ago, and everyone else recently, but there’s still issues. My mom won’t let me begin transitioning until I’m 18, and I don’t know why. She keeps making excuses like when I get to high school people will bully me, that you can physically transition until your 18, which is not true but I told her that I didn’t have to physically transition until I’m 18, but I’d like to socially transition, change my name, cut my hair, etc. She always avoids the subject when I bring it up and gets aggravated, I was wondering if someone could give me Some things to say to my mom to show her that this is the best thing for me? Or I’ll give you her email and you can email her or something? II want to start to transition before high school so I can be as stealth as possible , so please help.

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    • Hi. I’m so glad that you wrote to me. I can definitely try to help. My son was 14 when he came out to me. I didn’t know anything about being transgender. Your mom probably is in the same boat.

      There are some good articles, Facebook groups and resources that you could share with her. I would also be happy to email her or talk to her if she is open to it. Can you share this blog with her?

      Remember that parents need time to understand what’s going on. And, statistics do show that if you can live authentically, you are less of a target, less likely to be bullied.

      Let me know if your mom is open to talking with me.

      Keep in touch with me.

      Like

      • Would like to email with someone… I’m a Mom of a 12-year old whom believes she is a male. I”m open to whatever life throws our way, but- yea…. having a really hard time with this! lol

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  8. Hello. I’m not exactly sure if my mom would be open to emailing so for now I’m going to show her articles and this website. I’ll keep in touch for updates and if she decides she wants to email , thank you!

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  9. Does any Ally Mom have an email, Whatsapp or something? I’m a ftm from another country and just need someone to talk with

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  10. I am new to this, morning the loss of my only daughter, and embracing my transgender or gender fluid teen who just changed his name on Facebook to Keith. He told me he was gay a few years ago, but recently felt his sexuality was pandemi. The gender reality has been a struggle for him, as he wasn’t sure where he fit in, but felt torn without a definite gender. We have excellent communication, but I still struggle inside. I outwardly support my son, but am in pain watching him in pain. He has an appointment with the Transgender clinic at UCSF in September. It feels like forever waiting for more support. Other family members aren’t supportive, and some are very damaging. My son also has many health issues and has been very sick for years, this just compounds everything. I need to support him better, be a better parent, but I am lost in this. I am grieving the loss, but trying to not show him, as he will feel guilty for causing me pain. I just want him to be happy in his life, and to feel loved.

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    • Hi. Thanks so much for writing. As parents, we carry so much for our kids. The worry alone, is often too much sometimes. What do you need? Let me know how I can help. It looks like you’re in California and that’s great. There are tons of resources there. So you live any where near Novato? My friend, another Ally Mom, runs a support group near there. Let me know. Best to you. Roz

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  11. Pingback: Ally Moms | Pasupatidasi's Blog

  12. Hi I’m nano I’ve been trans inside for a while and I can’t come out I’ve been trying as a child of 5yrs old in a foster home I was tormented because I loved playing with dolls and holding a purse it was so bad I cried for days and I was tormented at school my step moms ok with lgbt but I’m soooo scared with these adoptive parents that took me would throw me out and I dress in girl cloths when they aren’t home I feel like myself what I’m meant to be I feel normal but when they get back I’m miserable mean and aggressive my parents might be ok but my brother is really mean to me. And my other proablem is I have 1 1/2 years old and I guess I thought being a man and owning that I am what people see me as would make me a man and I keep dressing as a girl even before his birth it’s something I know now I can get ride of and even if I do I’m miserable and aggressive and mean but when I’m in my girl cloths I’m happy nice what should I do wait till I get my own place then tell them I feel like once I have my own place I can hide away from them and start being me should I?

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    • I’m sorry you’re struggling. Your note is unclear. Are you currently living with family? Are you a minor with a minor child? Are you in the U.S.? Let me know and we can try to offer some suggestions and resources, if necessary.

      Take care. I will watch for your reply.
      Roz

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  13. Hi my birth name is Isabel, I’m currently 12 years old. I am having trouble coming out to my parents as male. They would probably think I’m too young to know who I am already, but I have known ever since I was 5. Anyways the best way to get to me is my phone number ( 360-932-0898). If you can please help

    Like

    • Hi Isabel,
      How are you? I am happy that you wrote and hope that I can give you some useful advice. Are you in the U.S.? Please let me know that. Not everyone has international calling. Let me know that and also if you can receive texts? Then, we can figure out the best time to talk or find someone in your time zone which would make things easier. Let me know and we see what we can do to help. xo

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  14. Hi my birth name Cordi but I like to go by Ross. I’m 17 and i’ve been questioning my gender for a long time now. I came out as agender a year ago but I am now not sure that I am ftm. I don’t know how to aproach my mom with the subject of me feeling and being a boy on the inside because I know she will only see me as her daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Ross,
      One of the questions I like to ask people who are still living at home and want to “come out” to their parents is this – What kind of relationship do you have with your parents (mom/dad)? Is it generally a good one? Do you get along? Is your mom open to new ideas? Do you hear her make negative comments about people in the LGBTQ community? It’s helpful to understand where she is coming from before I make suggestions or before you just blurt it out. I love the idea that you want to tell her. My kids know they can tell me anything even though I might not like what they have to say. Sometimes it’s helpful to share videos of someone else’s coming out story. You can also share this CallhimHunter blog or Standwithtrans.org. My email is roz@standwithtrans.org. Feel free to email me or share the email with your mom. Sometimes, it’s helpful when a parent talks to another parent. For you, since this is something you’ve been thinking about for a long time, you’re ready to transition. For your mom, you should expect her to need time to process it all once you do tell her. Also, I don’t have any idea of how you currently dress or present yourself/gender expression. If you’ve always dressed very feminine, it will be even harder for your mom. I hope that’s helpful. Let me know — and, like I said, feel free to email.

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      • Me and my mom have a really good relationship she is usually open to new ideas and as far as I know she has not said anything negitave about the LGBTG community.I dress very nurtral. I tend to wear more unisex shirts then anything but I wear female skinny jeans. It would probably help to show her videos of other people coming out to their parents then later have her talk to a parent whe also has a trans kid and get advise on how to adjust to the change and how to help me through my transition.

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      • Hi. This all sounds good. Do you have some videos to show her? Skylar Kergil has a YouTube channel. Look him up. Skylark11 I believe that’s his screen name.

        Like

  15. hey, my name’s leo and i’m a ftm transgender guy from california! so, i’m planning on changing my name/pronouns in school when i start again in the fall. to do that, i’d have to tell my mom obviously, because even if teachers don’t email home, i’m sure people will talk. i’ve been out to my friends for about a year and my dad for about two months, and they’ve all been amazing about it. even though my dad doesn’t get it 100% he’s trying and i even see a gender therapist now. at first my dad told me i should wait until i was 18 to come out, but now he’s pressuring me to tell her. my mom on the other hand… she’s narcissistic, judgmental, and was emotionally abusive towards me as a kid, but i only see her about every 3 weeks just for dinner or a movie as my parents are divorced and she lives about an hour away and can only come down every so often. we’ve never been close, it seemed as if she was only interested in me as a young child because once i grew older, i expressed my own opinions could no longer be an extension of her. i live with my dad so my safety isn’t threatened (i hope). i have an email drafted to school and a facebook post written to come out to my grade, but before i sent/post anything she’s still holding me back and i only have a month left before school starts. i wrote her an email, but i just can’t bring myself to send it. she’s said mixed things about trans people, the majority of them negative. advice? :l i’d prefer to communicate by email, my email is sly.dog279@gmail.com.

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  16. Hi i’m 15 i’m currently a man and i want to become female… i’ve known this since i was 9, and have even gone so far as to dress like a woman women i’m alone. my parents are very supportive to gays and lesbians but i dont know where they stand a on transexuals… please help me tell them.

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    • Hi. If you feel they are open minded then you are already one step closer to having their acceptance. Since there is so much in the news lately, it might be a good idea to share a story about someone else and gauge their reaction. Does that feel like something you would be comfortable doing?

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  17. Being 28, and having to move back in with my mom, I’m having a very tough time navigating around her deep religious convictions. She is somewhat open minded as she hasn’t condemned my cousins who are lgbt to hell. Actually I’m not even sure if its just ambivalence, secret disapproval, or just her beliefs not allowing her to see differently. She’s not mean to my cousins and she doesn’t speak in malice when mentioning her co-workers same sex partners. However, I have come to this idea that she has this “as long as it’s not my child” type mentality.I came out to her via letter the week of thanksgiving, (Bad timing I know but it just happened that way) an hr before work, and I asked if she wanted me to stay and talk about it ( unfortunately I was being a goof cause I was plum terrified) but she didn’t want to talk, very understandable. Problem is we haven’t talked since. Again I’m petrified to bring it back up. The only time something like it was brought up it was negatively with a “God isn’t happy” type tone. My only response was silence, because really, what do you say to that? I don’t talk about it with my cousins (they do know) cause I can’t talk about it without tearing up ,and I hate being emotional in front of people. Sometimes I wonder if it’s me she loves, or an image of me? Have I come to the discovery that her love is conditional? As long as I’m normal. Not talking about it has worn me out. The ever growing desire to transition isn’t helping either. I guess why I’m posting this is because I need a listening ear, and a comforting heart to hear and help me out. Thanks for listening ~ Ezra

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    • Hi. It is helpful for you to grive me a bit more info. How old are you? Do you live at home? What is your family support system like now? The coming out process is so personal and varies by person depending on each individual situation. If you can provide a bit more info, I’d be happy to try to help.
      Best,
      Roz

      Like

  18. Hi, so I’ve just recently wishing the past few months finally come out as trans. First to some really close friends and now at work as well. But the biggest issue I’m dreading and facing is how to tell my family and help them understand my decision and what it means to me and to be transgender. It’s scares me more then I realized it would. My dad is the person who can’t stop talking about how everyone else is wrong with 27 explainations as to why and can’t take his foot out of his mouth. My parents have never been or shown any support for anyone LGBTQ. I’m hoping my two older sisters will accept me, but even I’m not sure and I know they love me more then anything, but still. Any advice or tips on coming out to them as well?

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    • Hi. thanks for reaching out. I know that the idea of coming out to family (or anyone) can be particularly scary. Perhaps you could talk to your sisters first. Let them know how much you love them and how important your relationship with them is. Share how you have been feeling, uncomfortable in your own skin, etc (whatever those true feelings for you are). Let them know how you’ve been exploring and researching and now know why you’ve been so unhappy and angry (again use your true emotions). You don’t say if you are mtf or ftm — explain how even though you have male/female body parts, you identify as male/female (I don’t know how you identify so you have to use this as a guide). Your brain is male/female, and your authentic identity is male/female (or non-binary, etc — this is for you to explain).

      Tell them that you prefer to be called (fill in the blank) and prefer these pronouns (your choice). Ask them for their support with your parents. Let your parents know how much you love them and hope they will be supportive. It’s important for you to understand that parents need time to process. I’m guessing that this is something you’ve been thinking about for quite some time. Your parents have not. You can even acknowledge that it may take time for them to understand but that you hope they will continue to love and support you even though they don’t “get it.”
      Also, you don’t say how old you are or if you live at home. That’s important also because if you think they might ask you to leave (if you are still at home) please have a back up plan before you talk with them. Your safety is the most important.

      I hope this is helpful. I also think it might help your parents to see/read my blog. They can try to understand from a parent’s perspective what it means to have a transgender child.

      Keep me posted — I hope all goes well.

      Like

  19. I am a m2f, 29+1, and living on my own. So my biggest scare there is not having anymore help or support from them after I come out. Thank you for the advice.

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  20. Hello my name is Donovan I’m man I’m 20 years old with Friedreich’s ataxia ive allways felt different I liked to play with dolls I liked getting my nails painted I’ve been to Victoria’s
    Secret and got panties and a night gown but I am still am a guy I’m not sure how to tell my parents like I told them I’m bi I don’t think they believe me I need guidance please my phone number is(914) 589-9056

    Like

    • Hi. In order to offer any advice I need some info. You can comment here or email me at roz@standwithtrans.org.

      It would be helpful to give me your age, if you live at home, and a sense of your current relationship with your dad. Do you feel that your family is safe and if you come out will you be supported, in your opinion? My son is FtM so I totally understand the situation.

      Thanks for reaching out and I will try to help anyway I can. I look forward to hearing from you.

      Like

  21. Hey I’m Phoenix, I’m gender fluid and pansexual. I’m 14. One of my older friends has a transgender brother and she said I should try here for some advice.( unaccepting mother has me scared to come out to my dad) I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, gender dysphoria, and occasional suicidal actions/ thoughts. Any ideas for gender dysphoria coping mechanisms? Thanks

    Like

    • Hi Phoenix! I’m so glad you are writing to me. I understand how hard it can be to try to deal with all this and feel alone. Sometimes a school counselor can be really helpful. Even another parent – a friend’s mom who may be more open can be someone to talk to. Do you see a therapist for the depression and anxiety? I have lots of questions which makes it helpful for me to offer advice and recommendations. When you say suicidal actions, what does this mean? If you would rather email or text, let me know.

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      • Thanks for writing back, I just found out my mom is making me go back to a therapist again 😫 and email will probably work best, thanks again- Phoenix

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  22. Hello. My name is Flynn. I’m a 16 year old transgender boy. I’ve known that I’m trans for over a year now, but the only person I’ve been able to bring myself to come out to is my best friend. I’m pretty sure that my parents will be accepting considering they haven’t even batted an eye at my gradual shift to more masculine clothing and a short boyish haircut. I’m just not all that good at talking about my feelings and whatnot. So far I’ve been able to placate my dysphoria fairly well by just wearing baggy clothes, but my dysphoria’s been getting a whole lot worse recently, and I know that I’m going to have to come out soon so that I can move farther along in my transition and be more comfortable in my own body. I think I want to come out to my mom first. I’m really close with her, and I usually find it a bit easier to talk with her than my dad. Also, I figured that once I’m out to her I can ask her to help me talk to my dad about it. I think I’m going to write my mom a letter and ask her to read it since I think that would be a good way to get all of my feelings out before she has a chance to ask any questions or anything. I was wondering if I could get any advice on what information I should provide in the letter? Like, I know that I can’t really provide every single detail about being trans in one letter, but I’d like to know what would be the absolute MOST important to let her know. Also, I’ve been considering coming out to my best friend’s mom first as a sort of practice run. I spend enough time at her house that she’s pretty much like a second mother to me, and I know that she’ll be accepting since she’s a very vocal supporter of the LGBT+ community. I think this practice run might be a good idea, but I’d also kinda like a second opinion on that, too.
    Thanks in advance,
    Flynn

    Like

    • Hi Flynn. I’m so glad you wrote to me. You’ve thought everything through so carefully and it sounds like you have a great family.

      I love the idea of telling your friend’s mom. It’s a great way to test the waters.

      The important thing for parents to understand is that this is your gender identity that was decided in utero. It’s the way your brain is wired. It’s not something you are choosing. Let them know how much you love them and what their support means to you.

      I will send you some other resources later on. I’m typing on my phone and it will be easier to send more from my computer. You are on the right track!

      By the way, my son is 18 and came out to me when he was 14 and I’m 8th grade. Sharing this blog with your mom is a great way for her to understand things from another parent.

      If you send me your email, it might be easier. Or you can email me: roz@standwithtrans.org

      Roz

      Like

      • Hey, thanks for writing back. My email is flynnjmansfield@gmail.com if that makes it easier to contact me. I think I am going to show my mom this blog once I come out to her. As far as I’m aware, she doesn’t know much about trans stuff, so I think it’ll be a big help.
        Thanks,
        Flynn

        Like

  23. Hi my name is Adrian 12 years old in Illinois and want to be a girl but I am not 100% sure my parents will be accepting

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    • Adrian

      I am the mom of a mtf 25 year old. When my daughter came out to me it was thru an email as she didn’t think that I would accept her. I know you are scared but think of which parent it will be easier to talk to and let the parent know that you need a moment alone with them or if it is easier to text or email. Why don’t you think they will accept you? Have you told someone else who can be an ally to you in helping talk to your parents? If you need to talk or text one of the Ally Moms can help you thru this. What state do you live in? Sometimes your parents can surprise you.

      Like

  24. Hey Adrian, I’m 14 and gender fluid myself. Since I’m just dealing with these things now myself I might not be of much assistance but I’d be glad to be a supportive friend. Feel free to email me. Coming out is one of the hardest steps. No one can do it alone, I’ll be glad to help.
    01dolphin23@gmail.com

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    • No problem, I know how hard things can be. Nobody should have to do it themselves. This is a great way to outreach. Keep up the great work! Thank you to all of the wonderful moms who are helping the younger generation of LGBT people who otherwise might not have anyone else. Thanks again

      Like

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